🦁Are you a lion or a lamb?🐏

This month I’m reflecting on boundaries. Are you a lion or a lamb? Do you have rigid boundaries or porous boundaries? (Obviously, it’s doesn’t have to be binary…many of us can be somewhere in between!) But, we’ve all heard this term be over-used and misused all over social media. Why is it so prevalent, and what does it actually mean? In this month’s newsletter, I’ll be diving into some specifics and best practices.

A little anecdote: I recently needed to set a boundary in my relationship and it did not go over well. It has caused a lot of difficult feelings from everyone involved. I’ve been reflecting a lot on how I could’ve communicated more clearly, and what I needed leading up to it and following it. But one thing I know is that sometimes having a firm boundary can really upset other people when they are used to you not having any in the first place.  It is disruptive to the status quo, and strong feelings can arise.

Here are some facts.

1. A boundary requires nothing of other people. It is something you set for yourself, NOT a rule you create for other people.
   Example A: I don’t like people touching my face. Before it happens, I will tell someone to please not do it. If it happens, I will remind them about the boundary. If they do again, I will likely react more strongly. This is a physical boundary that I have.
   
   Example B: My partner always uses condoms with me. If they have sex with someone else, I can only request that they use condoms with others. They have to agree to that request. I cannot control whether or not it happens. My boundary around it would be whether I want to engage in sex with them if they have unprotected sex with others.

2. ATTENTION PEOPLE PLEASERS🐏🐏🐏: Usually what happens is that people cross their own boundaries (and the self-sacrificers, hence the lamb image above) then get mad at others because they feel hurt, when in reality, they allowed their boundary to be crossed. If this resonates with you, I’d be happy to have a conversation with you about how to combat this practice, but I’ll give you a little clue: practice asking consent within yourself!

3. Sometimes people cross boundaries that they didn’t know were there, and sometimes people cross them deliberately. Both situations offer you a choice to communicate the boundary clearly and give that person another chance or not.

Some good news!

There are ways to become more familiar with where your boundaries actually are, if you aren’t used to having them. If you have grown up with a lifetime of having very porous boundaries, it might feel terrifying to set them because that terrifying spectre of abandonment might be lurking right around the corner! I know this is true for me. For those of you with extremely rigid boundaries, it might feel really safe to protect them, but I also ask you: is this rigidity helping or hurting your intimacy with others?🦁🦁🦁

There are ways to communicate a boundary lovingly, to help mitigate the fear around setting them in the first place. Often people avoid these conversations for fear of hurting other people, because it is SO MUCH EASIER to avoid conflict, right? But, this practice is not sustainable, and sets up a situation with high potential for greater hurt and pain down the road.

Through somatic exercises, we can work together to develop a deeper sense of knowing, so that you aren’t continually crossing your own boundaries. We can also work together on how to trust others, communicate, and know how to find safety in your body, so that you aren’t running from deeper intimacy.

Image credit: Agnus Dei, Francisco de Zurbarán Spanish ca. 1635–40